**PUKE!!** I just watched a crackhead chick wash her hair in the water fountain across from my desk. I fill my water bottle there every single day. **erggh**
Ancient Old Patient: “Hi, my name xxx and I need my prescriptions.” Me:”Ok, Let’s get started.” AOP:”I just want you to know that I’m from Arkansas and I’m a real hillbilly.” Me:”oh, I didn’t know that.” AOP: **turns to his ancient old wife** “This guy reminds me of Adam, our great great grandson in-law twice removed!” Me: “oh.” AOP: “Adam’s a good kid and he’s a real dyed-in-the-wool hillbilly too! He has 40 acres, milks his cows, has a garden. But, it’s too bad that he smokes crystal methelhethamininsedes or some such. He’s as toothless as his old goat” Me:”ok.”
Smiley Old Guy: “Hey! Do you remember me?” Me:”OH Yes, I certainly remember you.” SOG: “I’m the guy that told you that your name is Greek for Jesus, or Hohashana.” Me:”Yes, I remember. How can I help you?” SOG:”I found out what was wrong with me!” Me:”Really? That’s great.” SOG:”A piece of steak got lodged under the crown on my tooth.” **opens his mouth in my face and points at a blackend rotted nub of a tooth**SOG:”The dentist said that my tooth rotted away under the crown and toxins were being pumped into my body for 3 YEARS!!” Me:”oh. That’s sounds horrifying.” SOG:”I know. I’m happy I got better!” Me: “me too”
Popeye the Sailor Patient: “I don’t feel good.” Me: “How can I help you?” PSP: “I have no idea.” Me:”Do you need something?” PSP: “I don’t know. Do I?” Me:”?????” PSP:”I can’t sleep at night. I have to go the bathroom constantly.” Me:”Ok. I’ll assign you to a clinic.” PSP:***leans in real close and looks me in the eye***”I went to my old doc and told him that I can’t get an erection.” Me:”oh” PSP:”The doc used his hand and felt all around down there and then said he couldn’t feel anything.” Me:”ok” PSP:”What the hell does that mean?!! What the hell am I supposed to do? He’s a doctor for Christ’s sake! Getting old is a snaggle-toothed son of a bitch.” Me:ok
Hmm. I JUST saw Karl Rove sitting in the ER waiting room. Eating a bag of popcorn. It kind of looked like him. hmmm
Guy with Tracheotomy in Wheelchair:**blowing air out of his trach. into my face!** “I need to get this thing out.” Me: “Ok, you’re assigned to Clinic B. They can take care of you there.” GTW:”OK. Good! I’ve been having a bitch of a time keeping this thing clear. It keeps getting clogged. Hey, let me show you something.” Me: “ok.” GTW:**pulls out a knotted-up napkin full of ??pus, sputum, and crud??** “What the hell do you think of that!!” Me:”oh. I don’t know. You should go to the clinic.” GTW:”ok.”
Potbellied Sunburned Guy:**wearing Lake Ray Hubbard “muscle shirt” and rainbow-colored “Jesus” baseball hat** “Are you making ID cards today?” Me: “No, the server has been down for two days.” PSG: “Why!!! The last five times I’ve been here it hasn’t been working. I HATE THIS!!!” Me: “It’s been working the past few weeks, but the national server thing has been down lately.” PSG”Why!! I can’t believe this! Tell me WHY!!” Me: “Oh, I’m not a computer network person nor do I have control over such things. It will probably be working by next week.” PSG: **getting redder in the face and obviously agitated** “You!! Are an EMBARRASSMENT to AMERICA!! You should be ASHAMED of yourself!!” Me: “??que??”
Well-dressed Man in Suit:”I need you to get me a copy of my military discharge.”Me:”Are you registered in our computer? WMS:”No.” Me:”Well you have to be in our system before I can access your info.” WMS:”Hmmm.” ***opens his jacket and shows me a police badge and a gun** “Does this help any?” Me:”no.”
